Was driving my daughter to the airport late last week, when we got behind a pickup truck pulling a porta-potty on a trailer.

As one does.

After a minute the porta potta began losing its sh*t.

Streams of toilet paper started emanating from the bottom of it.

I tried in vain to make sense of what was, um, unfolding in front of us.

“Wait … what is happening?” I said out loud.

At first they were like streamers.

It looked weirdly … festive.

Like a porta-party-potty … or something.

Then, the streamers started coming free.

I started screaming like a coed in a slasher flick.

My daughter, who was on a phone call with her doctor, turned and violently shushed me.

I pointed in front of us and whisper shouted, “This is the most awful thing I’m capable of imagining right now.”

But then the rational part of my brain grabbed the steering wheel from the fight-or-flight part, and reasoned that, if the paper is … billowing, then it’s … dry … so it’s probably just spinning off the roll(s) inside?

I’m not sure my driving brain has ever worked harder trying to connect dots.

Then the porta-potty just starts freely releasing toilet paper from its, you know, back end.

Hard not to see this as the metaphor for our times.

It was like Spider Man shooting webs I tell you.

Like the guy driving the truck was pressing a button on the dash or something.

When a speeding interstate porta potty starts rapid-fire releasing long strips of toilet paper directly in front of you that immediately catch the wind and fly every which way, the urge to dodge is … dangerously strong.

Couple hit my windshield and I almost lost my mind.

“This is not happening!” I yelled.

“Ewwwwwwwww!” Emma screamed in the phone to her doctor.

All around me toilet paper started catching on other vehicles … and sticking.

Wait … maybe it wasn’t dry?

I couldn’t even.

All of a sudden I found myself surrounded by an interstate posse of ‘just married’ honeymoonerpoopers.

The potty was letting long strips of TP go as generously as Vegas Elvis tossing scarves from the stage.

Except grosser.

Way, way grosser.

I just thought by sharing maybe I could, um, wipe the episode from my mind.

I am so sorry.