I will too soon miss the taste of Christmas cookies at 3 in the morning.
— Dec. 24, 2014
Pete: what’s that?
Peter (with his hand behind his back): Dad, I found something that I know you love.
Peter: Chicklets (placing two on the desk where I’m working).
Pete: (noticing that they were a little faded) Um, where did you find them?
Peter: In a drawer.
Pete (inspecting the Chicklets a little more closely): Um, how long do you think they’ve been there?
Peter: (thinking) Year, year and a half?
Pete: Thank you for thinking of me.
Peter: There’s still a yellow one up there.
Pete: Save that one for later.
–Oct. 20, 2012
Six words you don’t want to hear from a 10-year-old: “Boy, this carpet is super absorbent.”
–Oct. 18, 2012
My wife, to me, moments ago: “You have this … magnet of weirdness about you.”
–Aug 6, 2012
At the breakfast table this morning, my 10-year-old gives a complete weather forecast for the next five days, including temperature, and chance of rain. After a few seconds of me staring blankly at him, he says, “What? I’m crazy with the doppler.”
–July 24, 2012
My wife just came home and ordered my son to go grab the radio and join her on the patio to listen to the Pirate game outside. Savoring summer like a ripe plumb.
–June 9, 2011
Scientists researching hair growth should study our black lab, who has consistently shed 5-6 Luis Tiant mustaches a day for going on 12 years.
–May 20, 2011
So, passing by the living room, I hear my ten-year-old son say to his six-year-old sister over the TV, “Yes, I know you’ve been very patient … and for that I’m grateful.”
My first reaction was that my wife had laced dinner with LSD. I fought the urge to enter the living room for fear of seeing my son petting a rainbow-farting unicorn, which would’ve ruined the hallucination.
–April 6, 2011
So, midway through Valentine’s Day dinner last night (which the kids helped set the table for and prepare), my 9-year-old son rises from his chair, cups his hand over my ear and whispers, “Bust a move.” I pull back, and we stare at each other for about 4 seconds in silence … until he nods in Karry’s direction. The sad part is that I think he had a better sense of what he was talking about than I did.
–Feb 15, 2011
(Super Bowl) So, as the Packers lined up for the extra point, my six year old daughter asks, “So, how does a baby get inside a girl’s belly?”
I can’t handle this.
–Feb 6, 2011
Just watched my 5 year old conduct one of her “experiments.”
Step 1: unwrap 5 tootsie rolls
Step 2: put on plate & microwave on high while you go into the living room & watch a few minutes of iCarly.
Step 3: (my favorite) put on a rubber glove (right hand only)
Step 4: with glove hand, spoon the microwaved tootsie roll onto a piece of bread.
Step 5: place bread in plastic bag
Step 6: finish watching iCarly.
–Nov. 16, 2010
Over lunch ….
Dad: I’m a good dancer.
Peter: Let’s just say no one dances quite like you.
–Sept 6, 2010
Yard sale dialogue:
Pete: You really need to work on your positivity.
Karry: It’s difficult when you say dumb things.
–June 12, 2010
So, my son (9), home from school, fires up the Guitar Hero. I walk in, he’s just finished shredding Iron Maiden, and he’s sipping Mellow Yellow from a martini glass.
That’s more rock n’ roll than I’ve ever been in my life.
–June 3, 2010
After polishing off her mac n’ cheese, my daughter lets out a less-than-dainty burp at the dinner table. Seizing the opportunity, her older brother admonishes, “Emma! Do you see anyone laughing … other than me?”
–May 15, 2010
Five-year-old telling me about her visit to the park.
She: “Dad, I cut my foot,” holding it out for me to see.
Me: “How’d you do that?”
She: “I’m not sure … I wasn’t there when it happened.”
–April 6, 2010
My wife’s last words, before she left for the airport for her four day girl’s weekend? “Don’t even think about putting anything in the washing machine.” Then she did that thing where she kept her eyes fixed on me for several seconds without saying anything, to allow me to imagine the potential consequences.
–Nov. 6, 2009
This morning, I put on School House Rock when the kids got up. When “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here” came on, my son actually said, “I gotta put down the PSP for this.”
All is not lost.