Sorting through the dozens of bins that my Mom lovingly slash compulsively stuffed with just about every artifact from my childhood — Andy Warhol style — I was recently reminded of my one and only foray (so far) into running for public office. 

My campaign for Safety Captain in the fourth grade.

From the forensic evidence, it looks like I had my sights set on the presidency, but was forced to pivot at the 11th hour. Not sure if I lost in the primary, or received insider info that I didn’t have the votes, but it seems forces conspired to turn my attention to a high-ranking cabinet position instead. 

Also from the forensic evidence, apparently “safety” was not on Miss Barkett’s spelling list that week. 

Not sure what motivated me to land on Safety Captain as my Plan B, but I am retrospectively impressed by my 4th grade resiliency. This may have been my first exposure to the adage, “When one door closes on one’s quest for world domination, another one opens up.”

Apparently I ran a successful grassroots campaign.

Looks like I took great care in drafting my platform.

Like Lincoln tweaking his famous address on the train ride to Gettysburg, the last couple lines added in pencil suggest a deliberate approach. I imagine myself scribbling between classes, or ruminating after getting eliminated in dodgeball.

Didn’t waste a word, though.

The 54-year-old typing this only wishes his aim was so true.

I must’ve worn the object on the right as a button, as it looks like there are a couple pin holes up top. Didn’t skimp on the professional head shot.

Ahem.  

I think (?) I may have won. Hatfield Elementary alum please fact check me on this. 

For all I know I may have run unopposed, but I’d like to believe my sincerity counted for something.

From what I recall I served a fairly uneventful term. 

To say it was a simpler time would be an understatement.  

And by that, I don’t mean pre-puberty, though that proly also helped make the execution of my responsibilities a little easier.  

I’d like to believe I kept my campaign promises. 

To work hard. To not fool around.

I hope I tried my best.

I hope they liked me.