Righteous riffs

The Greatest Tribute (Ode to Jim)

A letter arrived yesterday from my friend Jim.

My normal custom for an early-in-the-week Jim letter is to save it to open on Saturday morning.

To give myself something to look forward to.

And to make sure I have the space — temporal, physical, soulful — to savor the treasure inside.

My friend Jim’s a wonderful poet. His letters are always accompanied by a few of his recent poems.

He happens to be in his 90s now.

When I grow up, I hope to someday write as well as Jim does in his 90s.

At his age he senses the nearness of death. As a former pastor he also senses the nearness of being called Home.

Having lived so long, having lost his wife, Mary, to dementia a couple years ago … he keenly appreciates the preciousness of days and time.

And stares it all down with a poet’s heart.

Has made a practice of sifting the everyday for meaning and for magic.

And somehow makes it all rhyme … figuratively and literally.

“Poetry is persistently plaguing me at night, and when, half asleep, I kick off the covers, I force myself to get up, write down a phrase, or a line or two, so precious that I just can’t chance to let it wander away.”

For the record, I’m a little over half Jim’s age, and when I kick off the covers at night, it’s to get up to pee, not scribble down epiphanies.

Jim inspires me so much, in both the act and the substance of his letters and poems.

We’ve carried on a correspondence for a few years now.

I’ve noticed a common refrain in his letters. A lament.

He’s always longed for his poetry to be published … so it can be remembered.

In a post-Thanksgiving letter, he wrote, “Doggerel, following me like a lost puppy, and when on Google yesterday, I found a host of famous lines of Tennyson … I asked, ‘Will anyone remember even one of mine?’ as if I’ll care after my death.”

But only a line later … “Sunday morning sun brightens the tarnished attitude I bring to life on these usual dull winter days.”

I can attest that Jim’s poetry is beyond worthy.

When I wrote him back, I asked him if he would mind if I shared his poems with friends.

And for once, when his reply arrived in the mail, I didn’t wait until Saturday morning to open it.

Something about the urgent pause of a New Year’s Eve suggests a break with custom.

“YES, you may share whatever comes from me. That is the greatest tribute that I know of … of my attempts at poetry … to be liked enough to share.”

In thinking how I might best serve your precious attention in this moment … I can’t think of any better gift to share with you than Jim’s gifts shared with me. Of his noticing in a sparrow’s visit a kindred spirit. His allowing a newborn sun to surround in warmth all that’s old in him.

So in this space between the holidays, between our no longers and our not yets, may we greet whatever lies ahead as if it were a Sunday morning sun.

May we approach it with the wisdom, persistence and awe of a 90-year-old poet still sifting this broken world for its good light.

May we ever be so alive to what moves us that we have no choice but to kick off the covers and call it by name, so we can share our magic words with the world around us.

May we always (always) have something to look forward to.

If you are so moved, you have Jim’s permission to like, share and comment. I promise to reflect your good light back to him.

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Fathers and Sons, The Girls

23 & 20 ….

When Karry was pregnant with Emma, people would ask Peter, who was three at the time, whether he wanted a little brother or a little sister. 

His answer was always the same.

“No.”

That one still cracks me up.

I mean, for a three-year-old … that’s a glorious comeback, right there. 

And when I called Karry’s Mom from the hospital to let her know it was, in fact, a girl … and Betty, in turn, informed Peter (who she was watching while we were at the hospital), he made a beeline for the kitchen sink, climbed in the space underneath it, and shut the door behind him. 

Years later, whenever people would ask me about our kids, I’d find myself saying, “My son’s ____ (16 … 18 … 20, etc.) , and he’s still getting used to the fact that he has a little sister.”

All of the above, true.  

So … to be gathered around the table last night in our tiny dining room, surrounded by all our Christmas and life clutter …

… the four of us slow-savoring every bite of the by-request chocolate meringue flourless cake big brother made his little sister for her 20th birthday … 

… listening to them geeking out with each other about the cake’s cross section …

… him sharing with her how the recipe’s author discovered how to do the marbling on top, and how he was meticulous in following the directions … for fear of all the inherent gluten-free and dairy-free landmines …

… how he’s never been one to follow directions … a proud by-product of the Fordyce stubborness he comes by honestly …

… getting to bear witness to a big brother’s pride in receiving his little sister’s approval.

Forgive me if it’s gonna take me awhile to get used to that fact.

I mean, that he wanted to get it just right for her.

Let’s just say … such sweetness is worth the wait. 

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Postcards

Grace

Last time I was here, I asked for a saucer 

for my morning cup 

you know, in case I spil

l. 

They were out, so the person behind the counter

put a

BIG PLATE

under my

tiny cup, 

Which made me fall in love 

with the world 

all over again 

for a moment 

it was so perfect. 

My life needs 

a generous splash radius. 

Now every time I come in 

I ask for a large plate. 

The one they gave me today 

had a couple chips, 

which made it even more perfect. 

I told the person behind the counter 

that in my head, I was imagining a plate

 so

LARGE

I could sit on top of it while sipping from my

tiny cup. 

To catch every last

drop

of 

my 

mess love.

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Postcards

Going through the heart again …

Last week a co-worker came down with the flu. She’s been with us almost a couple years now. Was a middle school teacher before that. 

She was out only one day when she messaged us to let us know that her husband had tested positive for the flu, too. 

As did their one-year-old. 

All three of ‘em, down for the count right before the holidays.  

Found myself thinking about them on my long Wednesday commute, when a warm memory popped into my head (I find that sometimes my memories eavesdrop on my thoughts). 

From kindergarten through third grade, I went to Areford Elementary. It was a neighborhood school (which were more common back then), just a few blocks from my house. We all got to walk to school. 

For second-grade I had the most awesome teacher, Mrs. Schifbauer. 

Mention her name to my kids, and they will roll their eyes and say, “The bee’s knees.” 

Which is what I always say when I mention Mrs. Schifbauer. 

Seriously, to my second grade self, she was the bee’s knees.

I remember she had the most beautiful handwriting. 

To this day I can still conjure both the image and sounds of her writing our spelling words on the chalk board (with the good teacher’s chalk). It was all so mesmerizing to me. She’d write all the numbers on the board first. Oh, the way she’d swoop her 2s. (swoon). When she’d get to double digits, she’d start putting periods after the numbers. I would so look forward to the percussive punctuation of her chalk stabbing periods on the board. Twelve was my favorite … you’d get a swoop with a stab chaser (ha). 

It’s funny, the things we remember.   

After second grade they switched some of the teacher assignments, so I got to have Mrs. Schifbauer for third grade, too. It was like winning the teacher lottery. 

The specific memory that visited me on my commute was the time in third grade when my friend Jerry got really sick and had to miss school.  I remember it was wintertime. I don’t remember the specific circumstances of Jerry’s illness, just that he missed a bunch of days in a row.

And that Mrs. Schifbauer did the most remarkable thing.

She had our entire class grab our winter coats, and proceeded to shepherd us outside. Along with Mrs. Fisher (the other third grade teacher), she walked us down Eggleston Street, where we made the left onto 7th, and then the right onto Connor, where Jerry lived. Had one of us climb the steps onto Jerry’s big porch and knock on the front door. I remember Mrs. Rehanek (who, for the record, made the most awesome cherry floats in the history of the universe) coming to the door, seeing us all, and then ducking back in to summon Jerry. 

I don’t remember specifically what happened from there … if Mrs. Schifbauer said anything, or had us say or do anything.  I only remember that she just wanted Jerry to know how much we all missed him … and that we couldn’t wait for him to feel well enough to come back to school. 

If it wasn’t for a vague remembrance I have of a photo that Mrs. Rehanek took from the porch that day … I’m not sure I would even trust my memory. 

I mean, can you imagine such a thing happening today? 

__

Recently, I learned that the Italian verb “to remember” is ricordare, (similar to the Spanish recordar). The etymology is Latin — Re meaning ‘to go backwards,’ and cordis meaning ‘heart.’ 

Or put another way … ‘to go through the heart again.’ 

Isn’t that just the loveliest thing? 

Why am I telling you this? 

Because when the memory of Mrs. Schifbauer and her kindness went through my heart again on my Wednesday commute … I actually imagined such a thing happening today.

And thought of a couple teachers who might also appreciate such imagining. 

One of ’em … Jerry.

Who I haven’t seen or talked to in maybe 30 years. He’s a teacher in Maryland these days. 

I messaged him and asked him to fact-check my remembering. 

He hit me back almost immediately. 

Yep. 

Matter of fact … 

“I think I have a photo somewhere. I can text it to you if you wanna see the pic.” 

__

Went out for lunch Wednesday. It was a good day for soup, so I chose a deli not far from work, where they make it from scratch. 

On a whim, on my way out I asked the person behind the counter if their to go soups come hot or cold. 

Both, he said. 

Ordered a cold quart of chicken noodle to go. 

For a certain former teacher I know. 

Who’s been home from work with the flu all week with her husband and baby boy. 

__

Found myself driving to her house after work. 

Pulled outside.

Put on my winter coat.

Marched up the steps. 

And though I was by myself, I wasn’t alone. 

Jamie was there. Tonya and Tracy, too. Ricky and Danny. Scott poking his head between Jodi and Gretchen. Amy, Joy and Susan. Blaine and his kind smile way in the back.

All of us.

And a smiling Mrs. Schifbauer standing next to Mrs. Fisher. 

The bees knees I’m tellin’ ya.  

I didn’t ring the bell, though. 

Just left the soup. 

Along with a note recounting all of the above.

Shot Sydney a text as I was driving way, letting her know I’d put something on her porch. 

And that we all missed her … and that we couldn’t wait for her to feel well enough to come back to the office. 

Told her it was from Mrs. Schifbauer’s third grade class. 

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The Girls

Ripening …

I walked into the kitchen and saw one banana pulled apart from the bunch … set aside and ripening.

Smiled.

Emma’s home.

Went back a couple minutes later and she was there, fixing herself a bowl of cereal at the sink. Still in her pajamas. Wearing her glasses, too.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her in her glasses. Felt what I feel sometimes glancing out the window just as the sun is waking up through the trees … a riot of itself and all its possibilities.

The unearned gift of catching the fleeting moment just before it assumes its responsibilities for a day that will all but take it for granted.

For some reason, seeing her in her glasses has always melted me.

How they’ve always framed a face that holds all the world can become.

She’s only herself in the morning … all poor eyesight and barefoot … and an abiding love for Lucky Charms.

Her glasses bring her into focus for me, and for a fleeting moment, I catch a glimpse of all her younger selves. The ones she doesn’t like being reminded of because she’s too busy looking forward.

It’s for me to look back.

I find myself wanting to keep her in her glasses in the kitchen for as long as I can.

So I mention the bananas … not just the ripe one set aside, but all the ones in the bunch, which have been pulled apart from each other and are starting to brown in the basket.

“I didn’t pull all those apart,” she corrected me.

I just assumed she had.

“Wasn’t me,” she confirmed.

“And that’s not how you ripen bananas, anyway. You keep the bunch together and put a ripe banana beside them.”

Oh.

“Ripe bananas release ethylene. It’s a gas … which breaks down cell walls and converts starch into sugar, eliminating the acid … which causes the other bananas to ripen.”

When she finished, the sophomore biomed major used her index finger to straighten the right side of her glasses, unconsciously.

A riot of herself and all of her possibilities.

Turned around and went back to her old room to savor her Lucky Charms.

I stood in the kitchen for a moment … in the still warm space between her presence and her absence.

Neither looking back nor looking forward … just awed by the sunrise.

Ripening, I guess.  

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The Girls

Old Lonelies

Was fishing clean socks from a basket

in the laundry room Monday morning

when the purple in Emma’s sweater

caught my eye

washed, hung and left behind

the same way it did

Sunday morning as she was wearing it

leaving for Church

while I stayed behind

said hello to it this morning

— commiserating old lonelies now —

a frame painting a purple smile

on a sad wall

to help me remember

what Sunday going to Church looked like

as we both wait empty

for her return

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